I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
