There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
