Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
