i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
