i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
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I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
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I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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