Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
