omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
