i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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