she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
