I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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