so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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