How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
