my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
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my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
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Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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