She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
