Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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