You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
