It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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