A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
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