I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
