i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Randomize
