I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
