Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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