I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
