I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Randomize
