Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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