Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Randomize
