she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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