if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
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Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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