it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
