Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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