I feel like I'm in dance class right now
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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