just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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