This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
