Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
