Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
