if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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