can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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