1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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