I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
She told me I should be a condom model.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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