Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
