I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
