First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
