She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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