just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize