do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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