the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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