hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
