my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
did i just pee glitter
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
