the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
