Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
