Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
