Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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