Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
