During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
