Nicole vs. Life
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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