I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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