Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
